Listen to your heart.

..when he's calling for you.

It's Saturday morning, the radio is on, as always on a Saturday morning. I turned on 96fm(Neil Prendavile, anyone?) Dancing around the kitchen to Ryan Sheridan, then like they knew I was being too happy for 8 in the morning, they turn on Listen to Your Heart.

My face dropped, listening to those words, listen to your heart. The tears were flowing, mind was doing over time and I wanted to listen to my heart. But when do you need to put on your big girl knickers and realise your head is more wise than your heart in times like this, or is it. When is it ok to listen to your heart? When he's calling for you? When you're calling for him? When you're calling for each other?

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile' My heart wants to fight this, fight for what he had, what we still have? For 10 years, D and I were we. I now have to call my house mine, not ours. I've never lived in a house as a grown up as mine, but ours.

Anytime I speak to someone about the situation(Not the Jersey Shore kind) I get asked "do you still trust him?" and I don't. I have always had trust issues with everyone, but him. Who do I trait now, The Child? She can't even speak back yet! But, I know I can learn to trust again.

As I hear Teenage Dream playing from the kitchen the memories flood back. My greatest memories have been with him, my greatest fears have been shared with him, my greatest love was shared with him. It physically hurts to think how much I love him, how much I pine for him, like a puppy missing it's owner.

I'm listening to my heart, it's telling me life will not go not without him, I'm listening to my head it's telling me life has to go n without of him. I will not made a fool of again. He is a great man, the man I knew. Not the man who lied and cheated. He bought me Curly Wurlys when I was feeling down, he changed the light bulbs without even be asked. He gave me piggy backs on walks home from a night drinking, he drove six hours to see me when I was sick. He brought a Curly Wurly. he made me the best cup of tea, I never made the the tea


.. I haven't had tea in awhile, I make a few cups a day and just look at it. If I drink it I feel I have admitted defeat and all love is lost. I don't want that. If someone makes me tea, I pour some down the sink. I know this sounds mental but it was his thing, making the tea.