Listen to your heart.

..when he's calling for you.

It's Saturday morning, the radio is on, as always on a Saturday morning. I turned on 96fm(Neil Prendavile, anyone?) Dancing around the kitchen to Ryan Sheridan, then like they knew I was being too happy for 8 in the morning, they turn on Listen to Your Heart.

My face dropped, listening to those words, listen to your heart. The tears were flowing, mind was doing over time and I wanted to listen to my heart. But when do you need to put on your big girl knickers and realise your head is more wise than your heart in times like this, or is it. When is it ok to listen to your heart? When he's calling for you? When you're calling for him? When you're calling for each other?

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile' My heart wants to fight this, fight for what he had, what we still have? For 10 years, D and I were we. I now have to call my house mine, not ours. I've never lived in a house as a grown up as mine, but ours.

Anytime I speak to someone about the situation(Not the Jersey Shore kind) I get asked "do you still trust him?" and I don't. I have always had trust issues with everyone, but him. Who do I trait now, The Child? She can't even speak back yet! But, I know I can learn to trust again.

As I hear Teenage Dream playing from the kitchen the memories flood back. My greatest memories have been with him, my greatest fears have been shared with him, my greatest love was shared with him. It physically hurts to think how much I love him, how much I pine for him, like a puppy missing it's owner.

I'm listening to my heart, it's telling me life will not go not without him, I'm listening to my head it's telling me life has to go n without of him. I will not made a fool of again. He is a great man, the man I knew. Not the man who lied and cheated. He bought me Curly Wurlys when I was feeling down, he changed the light bulbs without even be asked. He gave me piggy backs on walks home from a night drinking, he drove six hours to see me when I was sick. He brought a Curly Wurly. he made me the best cup of tea, I never made the the tea


.. I haven't had tea in awhile, I make a few cups a day and just look at it. If I drink it I feel I have admitted defeat and all love is lost. I don't want that. If someone makes me tea, I pour some down the sink. I know this sounds mental but it was his thing, making the tea.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

..I wish nothing but the best for you too.

At this point in time, where I am in my life, those lyrics run around in my head as if they're little reminders in my head. You see, I'm a woman who is totally heed over heels in love with a man. And have been with the last 10 years.

Let me take you back ten years, I was sent to school in a neighbouring county. There, I met a rather lovely boy named D. I was obsessed with him, he was an absolute ride! It was decided in school that we would all get the bus into Tramore and have a great drink, chip, amusement rides filled night. A few hours into the night, a friend named B, asked if I would "shift D, because its his birthday" I was bleedin Delira agus excira!

After a grand aul shift down in the beach we went for a romantic stroll to the chipper. That was night where my life changed(oh the dramatics) We both finished school, remaining together throughout. Both went onto college, still completely madly in love.

Shortly after my 21st birthday, I learned I had fallen pregnant. Initially worried at first,
that was soon push aside with my excitement. Alas, it wasn't to be, shortly after I had a
miscarriage and it rocked both or lives. We grieved differently and did not no how to cope with each other. After a few weeks of constant arguing, we split. We needed that time apart, to grieve in our own way, grieve for a child we never met, a child we could never meet. After three months apart we gave it another go, we were both past the stage of blaming ourselves and were able to be wishful for the future.

Before my 25th birthday I found out in was pregnant again, over the moon with excitement and also worry. Layla arrived 13 weeks early on the 3rd of September, weighing just 2lb 2oz. She
was tiny, it was a a tense time for us and our family. She is now the apple of my eye at six months.

Unfortunately, D and I have split due to suckish reasons. He is the man I love and probably always will, he is the father to my three children and the 15 year old I once only knew as 'The roide'



...Never mind I'll find someone like you.